Reconciling Thoughts

When I was a child I was raised in a church.  This church, like all churches, had beliefs about many things, including what happens when we die.  As an adult I can tell you with full belief,  WE HAVE NO IDEA.  Yes we can have faith we will be reunited with our loved ones. I am sure many people are probably okay with the end being the end. 

This is something I worried about as a kid.  You see I was raised to believe if we lived our lives right and did the right thing we would be together forever.  We sang about it as kids.  We were preached it every Sunday. You do the right thing, you have a good life, you die and wait for your family in heaven, a paradise. 

Then I was 16 and my parents got divorced.  

My mother, when I was 18, went to far as to decide she didn't want to be part of the church I was raised in and wanted nothing to do with my father.  She severed her ties to our family.  I am sure in her mind it wasn't a big deal because she no longer believed what she was taught in this church.  For us as children, who were raised to believe we needed this tie to stay as a family it caused a huge rift.  Who did we belong to?  Did this mean I wouldn't know my siblings or my father?  I had done nothing wrong.  Try as I might I couldn't get an answer.  Unanswered questions lead to more questions, which leads to research and then more questions.  

I let it go.  I figured if my parents were my parents I am sure there was a loop hole for kids whose parents didn't get it.  And I moved on my life away from the religion I was raised in.  

Fast forward a lifetime.  A new religion, a new baptism, husband,  a new religion with new beliefs and new rules.  What is bound here is bound in heaven.  And fast forward to a beautiful baby, the family I always wanted.

Then the old church start showing up.  Super nice people wanting to help.  Wanting to make sure we were good.  They are great people and the religion is a great religion just not the one I baptized into for my husband and marriage. 

Let us just say "My Big Fat Greek Wedding".  I mean I had moved on from the old religion right?

That is when I started panicking.  I had not idea why. 

Then one day it came to me...

What if I choose wrong?  

What if converting was a huge mistake?

What if that first religion was right?  

What if I will never see this baby again?  

What if the family I built and work to keep together is just for now?

What if I spend the rest of eternity alone?  

Never knowing the people who mean so much to me.  

How do we reconcile things we were taught as a child with the things we believe as an adult?  

I mean as an adult I truly do believe we don't know much about what happens after this life.  That religion is religion and just because we got baptized and attend church it doesn't guarantee us to be good people.  That God understands what is in our hearts.  He understands who were are and if we are good people he will ensure our eternity is amazing.  So how do I get this nagging child out of my head?