I am not going to lie and tell you I have been busy. I
have been really, really focused on the horrible part of live. The, I will
never get to go to Tennessee. The dare I say, God must hate me. The how
can I have to have three surgeries this year. The how can I max my
insurance out for the third year. How can I have everything I ever wanted
and still not be floating with happiness every day?
I mean for so long I lived in fear. I could get pregnant against all odds but that meant a constant fear the baby wouldn't stick. So doctors appointments every week for 20 weeks. Then I was old so genetic testing and oh yes you are a carrier for this and now your husband must be tested. Then we have to make the equation equal perfectly your body isn't ready to deliver but the baby is mature enough. This involved and amniocentesis at 36 weeks. Then going back to work for 1 more week because her lungs weren't ready. Then we have to take her now because if not there was a huge chance you both could die. A then I have this beautiful baby. Who cried so loud the doctor didn't even check her lungs.
And now I get paradise right? Oh no Breast feeding, let me say it sucked. It didn't come naturally. My baby lost a whole pound. She got the dreaded failure to thrive diagnosis. And Jaundice. I got sent home with strict orders to feed her every 2 hours regardless if it was breast milk or formula or we were back in the hospital. So for 3 weeks I pumped every 2 hours to produce enough milk until she figured it all out. And then the murmur and the doctors and the tests, and the mismatching leg creases (you know the fat rolls we fight as adults) and more tests and doctors and oh yeah that spot on her eye might mean she can go blind so yes yes you guessed it more doctors and more tests. And oh yes the follow up. We are doing follow up now. So now do I get to just relax and be happy?
Don't get me wrong. I know where life is concerned I have easy problems. My neighbor would call them first world problems. And yes they are but you know what? They all give me anxiety. They all make me crazy.
I can remember the day I woke up from my baby coma and realized (mind you she was 10 months old) we were alive and well. She was healthy and I was healthy and we were a little family. The rest was just noise. Noise clouding my brain.
Then last week something
happened. I was busy being super
mom. Oh yes me I was being super
mom. You know it wasn't enough we went
to the city by train on Saturday to have some fun time in a new environment but
Sunday I was going to make tomato sauce from my neighbors tomatoes. Just so they don't go bad while they are on vacation.
So I was making tomato sauce and my baby was singing to Pandora. If anyone doesn't know what that looks like let me show you....
Ok really she was eating dog food and putting it in the dogs water. This super Mom sure picked her battle. Ok so I was listening to Pandora and I heard this song. Now it isn't anything new but it hit. Just another day in Paradise. You what it did? It gave me perspective. It isn't about life being perfect or happy every moment but instead knowing you wouldn't trade it for anything. I would have endured much more to have my beautiful dog food eater.
And obviously God wasn't done. Friday I was staying in line at the coffee shop and The cute latte lady was playing an oldie but a goodie. You know my husband and I have had some rough times we have fought and struggles to be together. But there is nobody else I would rather have beside me through all of this.
So my paradise isn't pretty it looks a lot like this....
But it is my paradise. It is my remarkable happiness once the noise calms.
