Procrastination vs Action

This was a hard week for me in so many ways.

• I have been interviewing for a new position and one interview seems to lead to just another interview.  
• I meet with my Realtor only to be slapped with the reality we owe $50,000 more than our house is worth.  Not to mention the $50,000 we spend on down payment and renovation to the house.  
• My husband and I met with a surgeon to schedule gallbladder surgeries just you saw right both of us. My gallbladder is calcifying which leads to porcelain gallbladder which is linked to gallbladder cancer which you don't survive.  Fun time.    Did I mention we ended up going on 4th wedding anniversary. 

I was left exhausted and overwhelmed.  So Saturday I struggled.  Callie was fussy, I was crabby, Mike was working.  I put Callie down for her nap and I laid down and cried.  Cried my little eyes out.  Realizing I was not going to take a nap I got up and went to read my favorite blog.  Flaws Forgiven I will admit this is a good friend but her blogs always make me think.  This week was no exception.  While reading my poor husband came home and asked the dreaded "What is wrong?". The tears started again.  I went on and on about how overwhelmed I was and how I can't catch a break and maybe I am depressed and should go on medication and I can't do it and and and.... 

And so I said I need a few minutes alone. I just want to finish the blog my one me time.  So he went to nap. And so I read.  In her blog she listed a number of things she does to wind down and destress.  This got me thinking.  I wonder if those things would work for me. 

And So I turned on Pandora and scrubbed my kitchen floor and the living room and the play room.  I changed my shower curtain liner.  I washed the bathroom rugs and Callie's bath mat.  I ripped out the high chair and scrubbed it clean. And then I realized there were no more tears.  

Callie woke up and We went for a leisurely stroll around the neighborhood.  Her and I giggled. We went to the park and chased the dog.  We came home and danced.   We read a few books, we played.  Since it was my anniversary weekend I got ready for dinner and Mike and I went and ran some errands and laughed and we went to dinner and we had the most incredible conversation.  One the way home he asked me why my mood had changed and I thought and I realized. I was incredibly stressed because I had a 1000 line to do list of stupid little things I just didn't want to do.  But by just forgetting what I thought and doing them a huge load was lifted.  

Sunday I woke up early.  Turned on the music, and decided it was Munchkin day.  So we had breakfast, and played and read a few books, we went on a walk and we danced and I made French Toast for lunch.  She went down for her nap and I went through all the receipts and finished the business accounting, I paid all my bills, and I took out the trash.  I came in and saw a piece of crumbled up paper on the floor and I reached for it and well it moved.  

Meet my friend Fievel.  

And you know what?  I laughed.  Yesterday morning I would have cried but today I laughed I captured him I lectured him as I took him to the back of the yard and I set him free.  And then I scrubbed the entire house again.

Live happens.  Sometimes it Sucks and Sometimes it is wonderful.  For me Procrastination make the sucky times so much worse because it weighs me down. By simply taking the few minutes to get the silly little tasks done,  I don't have the added weight on my shoulder and I can enjoy my life.

Plus it leaves time to laugh and dance and play.

Embarrassment

I am the queen of embarrassment.  I feel everyone is paying more attention to me because of my body, because I didn't do my hair quite the right way because my outfit isn't perfect, they know it was cheap, even, dare I say, my daughters hair is crazy.   I am horrible with embarrassment.

The thing I am learning in my quest for a simpler life is nobody notices.  Nobody sees me as fatter than other people.  People don't notice my small imperfections.  I have asked.  I have gone to my closest friends and shared my biggest fears and they always say laugh and say they never noticed.  People tend to view your best qualities and not the horrible ones we notice.

My daughter has helped me the most with this.

 A while ago we were out with friends and there was a baby pool.  So I got into my swimsuit and played with my daughter in the pool.

I was horrified inside but you know, nobody screamed in shock.  Nobody thought anything except how great it was Callie loved the pool.

Lately my daughter has cried during her bath.  So I had a choice.  Let my body image issues take over or help her past her fear.  At first I was almost paralyzed with the fear to shower with her.  She doesn't think oh man look at mama's belly.  She is just grateful for a stress free shower.  And finally I don't even think about the shower now.  It is a time she enjoys.  She is moving past her fear because I moved past mine.  Now we giggle and dance and get clean together.

In this same regard.  I struggle with being goofy with my daughter.  She is a kid and doesn't care and loves when you just let lose and dance like nobody is watching.  And I do on occasion but look around everywhere to ensure nobody is watching.  My husband dances like a crazy person just because she laughs.

My daughter does not need to know what embarrassment is.  And the best teacher for just being you is in fact me.  I am faking it until I make it but I am doing it.  I am dancing like nobody is watching and walking with my head held high and know my assets are what people see.

Useless emotions

Monday Mornings!

Oh how I love Monday mornings.  All weekend I have run around trying to devote enough time and energy to my daughter.  Enough so I don't feel the dreaded Mama guilt.  On top of this try to do something relaxing and of course get done my laundry list of to dos.  

Mondays I might look like this:

But on the inside I look like this:

While I laughed when I saw the video it is definitely how I feel inside.  Crazy, emotional, overwhelmed.  

But we must walk into work happy, rested ready to start our day.  

My weekend consisted of this:

A beautiful bedroom for my daughter.  Meticulously thought out and executed.  All to show her my love. To squash a little of my self imposed guilt.  I am a smart woman.   I know my daughter knows I love her more than anything but sometimes I let the Mama guilt and anxiety get the best of me and I make myself crazy to show my complete love to her.  

And does she know?  No, she cried. New room, new space and she was scared.  I know she will get used to it and as she gets older she will love and appreciate the room as much as I want her too but now she is just a scared little baby who is in a strange new room.  

So we all lose focus.  We forget the important things.  Lucky for me I have an extra day off this week to spend time with her and show her what is really important.  Helping her learn to dance standing up!! You see an amazing thing did happen.  She was trying to get my attention off the silly room and she WALKED!!! 

My little girl taught me a hard lesson.  The room doesn't matter but her achievements mean the world!  

Say Love

I have flaws.  I am far from perfect.  I don't think anyone is perfect but we all strive to be the best people we can.  This is done by understanding our flaws and working on them.  One of my flaws is not realizing how my tongue affects people.

I have a good heart.  I mean well and I love people.  Even with this I am quick to say things without thought for how people might take it.  You know with me, what I say is truly how I feel but is it always necessary to say what I am thinking?  And do people understand there is no malice behind those words?

Today a friend posted a song and it really got me thinking.  Say Love

I am the first to encourage you if I feel you deserve it but shouldn't I encourage those who don't deserve it so they soon deserve it.  Maybe this person was talked down to and doesn't have any self esteem and needs someone to tell them they are worthy.  We have all be there. Moments of our life where we look unworthy because we feel unworthy.  But are we?  No.  Nobody is undeserving and maybe a kind word would be magical to someone and turn their life around in ways we never imagined.  

I have a neighbor.  He is a nice guy but when we first got our dog he had a hard time with her.  He called the authorities on us because she seemed mean.  She is not, she is sweet and was an abused dog.  He was scared.  And my words ruined any chance he had at learning this.  I was quick to defend my dog and throw away how he felt.  Flash forward...

Friday night we had a horrible rain storm.  We lost power.  This man saw beyond my objection to his behavior about my dog that I am a good person with a one year old baby.  This man walked over with a power cord to his generator so we didn't lose any food from our fridge.  So now I will think better of my thoughts and put my dog in when he wants to come outside.  

I have had many people in my life encourage me when I really needed a lift.  Where would I be without them?  Probably someone people felt was undeserving.  

What does it take to encourage someone?  Nothing really.  A simple smile or saying I believe in you.  This could change anyone. Help them realize they are not a failure and strive for something better.  In my journey back to the basics I want to remember everyone is fighting their own battle.  And it is our responsibility to help them fight their battle even if only in a simple way.