Intentional

So there went 2013....

As I looked back upon this year I realized I coasted through the year just trying to survive.  So much happened.  Some good, some bad.  None of it was intentional.  None of it served much purpose other than survival.  

If I had one word for 2013 it would be survival.

As I look into 2014 I see promise and hope.  I see a world of possibilities.  2014 is my year to

So what does that mean? 

Webster says..

2014 was already deemed by me the year of me.  So living intentionally is a perfect word. I like to define intentional more like this...

So 2014 starts off with a bang. A 27 day challenge to allow me a little time to focus on what matters and figure out ways to live intentionally.  

Joining a gym just for me.  Making my time matter.  No more Facebook at work or on my phone.  If I Facebook it will not be because of boredom or habit it will be to see what is new and move on.  No more silly games to pass the time.  

I will do things I mean to do and only focus on this solely.  

My favorite morning activity?

Breakfast with my munchie...

This morning was my first intentional breakfast with her.  She sat in her big girl chair and drank with her big girl cup.  We mooed and nananed and dadaed and laughed.  It was the most precious way to start our day.  No more making breakfast while she has fruit and packing lunches while she and I eat.  Simple intentional breakfast.  

Let the intention begin.

Reconciling Thoughts

When I was a child I was raised in a church.  This church, like all churches, had beliefs about many things, including what happens when we die.  As an adult I can tell you with full belief,  WE HAVE NO IDEA.  Yes we can have faith we will be reunited with our loved ones. I am sure many people are probably okay with the end being the end. 

This is something I worried about as a kid.  You see I was raised to believe if we lived our lives right and did the right thing we would be together forever.  We sang about it as kids.  We were preached it every Sunday. You do the right thing, you have a good life, you die and wait for your family in heaven, a paradise. 

Then I was 16 and my parents got divorced.  

My mother, when I was 18, went to far as to decide she didn't want to be part of the church I was raised in and wanted nothing to do with my father.  She severed her ties to our family.  I am sure in her mind it wasn't a big deal because she no longer believed what she was taught in this church.  For us as children, who were raised to believe we needed this tie to stay as a family it caused a huge rift.  Who did we belong to?  Did this mean I wouldn't know my siblings or my father?  I had done nothing wrong.  Try as I might I couldn't get an answer.  Unanswered questions lead to more questions, which leads to research and then more questions.  

I let it go.  I figured if my parents were my parents I am sure there was a loop hole for kids whose parents didn't get it.  And I moved on my life away from the religion I was raised in.  

Fast forward a lifetime.  A new religion, a new baptism, husband,  a new religion with new beliefs and new rules.  What is bound here is bound in heaven.  And fast forward to a beautiful baby, the family I always wanted.

Then the old church start showing up.  Super nice people wanting to help.  Wanting to make sure we were good.  They are great people and the religion is a great religion just not the one I baptized into for my husband and marriage. 

Let us just say "My Big Fat Greek Wedding".  I mean I had moved on from the old religion right?

That is when I started panicking.  I had not idea why. 

Then one day it came to me...

What if I choose wrong?  

What if converting was a huge mistake?

What if that first religion was right?  

What if I will never see this baby again?  

What if the family I built and work to keep together is just for now?

What if I spend the rest of eternity alone?  

Never knowing the people who mean so much to me.  

How do we reconcile things we were taught as a child with the things we believe as an adult?  

I mean as an adult I truly do believe we don't know much about what happens after this life.  That religion is religion and just because we got baptized and attend church it doesn't guarantee us to be good people.  That God understands what is in our hearts.  He understands who were are and if we are good people he will ensure our eternity is amazing.  So how do I get this nagging child out of my head?

Just another day in Paradise...

I am not going to lie and tell you I have been busy.  I have been really, really focused on the horrible part of live. The, I will never get to go to Tennessee.  The dare I say, God must hate me. The how can I have to have three surgeries this year.  The how can I max my insurance out for the third year.  How can I have everything I ever wanted and still not be floating with happiness every day?

I mean for so long I lived in fear.  I could get pregnant against all odds but that meant a constant fear the baby wouldn't stick.  So doctors appointments every week for 20 weeks.  Then I was old so genetic testing and oh yes you are a carrier for this and now your husband must be tested.  Then we have to make the equation equal perfectly your body isn't ready to deliver but the baby is mature enough.  This involved and amniocentesis at 36 weeks.  Then going back to work for 1 more week because her lungs weren't ready.  Then we have to take her now because if not there was a huge chance you both could die.  A then I have this beautiful baby.  Who cried so loud the doctor didn't even check her lungs.  

And now I get paradise right?  Oh no Breast feeding, let me say it sucked.  It didn't come naturally.  My baby lost a whole pound.  She got the dreaded failure to thrive diagnosis.  And Jaundice.  I got sent home with strict orders to feed her every 2 hours regardless if it was breast milk or formula or we were back in the hospital.  So for 3 weeks I pumped every 2 hours to produce enough milk until she figured it all out.  And then the murmur and the doctors and the tests, and the mismatching leg creases (you know the fat rolls we fight as adults) and more tests and doctors and oh yeah that spot on her eye might mean she can go blind so yes yes you guessed it more doctors and more tests.  And oh yes the follow up.  We are doing follow up now.  So now do I get to just relax and be happy?  

Don't get me wrong.  I know where life is concerned I have easy problems.  My neighbor would call them first world problems.  And yes they are but you know what?  They all give me anxiety.  They all make me crazy.  

I can remember the day I woke up from my baby coma and realized (mind you she was 10 months old) we were alive and well.  She was healthy and I was healthy and we were a little family.  The rest was just noise.  Noise clouding my brain.  

Then last week something happened.  I was busy being super mom.  Oh yes me I was being super mom.  You know it wasn't enough we went to the city by train on Saturday to have some fun time in a new environment but Sunday I was going to make tomato sauce from my neighbors tomatoes.  Just so they don't go bad while they are on vacation.  

So I was making tomato sauce and my baby was singing to Pandora.  If anyone doesn't know what that looks like let me show you....

Ok really she was eating dog food and putting it in the dogs water.  This super Mom sure picked her battle.  Ok so I was listening to Pandora and I heard this song. Now it isn't anything new but it hit.  Just another day in Paradise.  You what it did?  It gave me perspective.  It isn't about life being perfect or happy every moment but instead knowing you wouldn't trade it for anything.  I would have endured much more to have my beautiful dog food eater.  

And obviously God wasn't done.  Friday I was staying in line at the coffee shop and The cute latte lady was playing an oldie but a goodie.  You know my husband and I have had some rough times we have fought and struggles to be together.  But there is nobody else I would rather have beside me through all of this.  

So my paradise isn't pretty it looks a lot like this....

But it is my paradise.  It is my remarkable happiness once the noise calms.  

Procrastination vs Action

This was a hard week for me in so many ways.

• I have been interviewing for a new position and one interview seems to lead to just another interview.  
• I meet with my Realtor only to be slapped with the reality we owe $50,000 more than our house is worth.  Not to mention the $50,000 we spend on down payment and renovation to the house.  
• My husband and I met with a surgeon to schedule gallbladder surgeries just you saw right both of us. My gallbladder is calcifying which leads to porcelain gallbladder which is linked to gallbladder cancer which you don't survive.  Fun time.    Did I mention we ended up going on 4th wedding anniversary. 

I was left exhausted and overwhelmed.  So Saturday I struggled.  Callie was fussy, I was crabby, Mike was working.  I put Callie down for her nap and I laid down and cried.  Cried my little eyes out.  Realizing I was not going to take a nap I got up and went to read my favorite blog.  Flaws Forgiven I will admit this is a good friend but her blogs always make me think.  This week was no exception.  While reading my poor husband came home and asked the dreaded "What is wrong?". The tears started again.  I went on and on about how overwhelmed I was and how I can't catch a break and maybe I am depressed and should go on medication and I can't do it and and and.... 

And so I said I need a few minutes alone. I just want to finish the blog my one me time.  So he went to nap. And so I read.  In her blog she listed a number of things she does to wind down and destress.  This got me thinking.  I wonder if those things would work for me. 

And So I turned on Pandora and scrubbed my kitchen floor and the living room and the play room.  I changed my shower curtain liner.  I washed the bathroom rugs and Callie's bath mat.  I ripped out the high chair and scrubbed it clean. And then I realized there were no more tears.  

Callie woke up and We went for a leisurely stroll around the neighborhood.  Her and I giggled. We went to the park and chased the dog.  We came home and danced.   We read a few books, we played.  Since it was my anniversary weekend I got ready for dinner and Mike and I went and ran some errands and laughed and we went to dinner and we had the most incredible conversation.  One the way home he asked me why my mood had changed and I thought and I realized. I was incredibly stressed because I had a 1000 line to do list of stupid little things I just didn't want to do.  But by just forgetting what I thought and doing them a huge load was lifted.  

Sunday I woke up early.  Turned on the music, and decided it was Munchkin day.  So we had breakfast, and played and read a few books, we went on a walk and we danced and I made French Toast for lunch.  She went down for her nap and I went through all the receipts and finished the business accounting, I paid all my bills, and I took out the trash.  I came in and saw a piece of crumbled up paper on the floor and I reached for it and well it moved.  

Meet my friend Fievel.  

And you know what?  I laughed.  Yesterday morning I would have cried but today I laughed I captured him I lectured him as I took him to the back of the yard and I set him free.  And then I scrubbed the entire house again.

Live happens.  Sometimes it Sucks and Sometimes it is wonderful.  For me Procrastination make the sucky times so much worse because it weighs me down. By simply taking the few minutes to get the silly little tasks done,  I don't have the added weight on my shoulder and I can enjoy my life.

Plus it leaves time to laugh and dance and play.

Embarrassment

I am the queen of embarrassment.  I feel everyone is paying more attention to me because of my body, because I didn't do my hair quite the right way because my outfit isn't perfect, they know it was cheap, even, dare I say, my daughters hair is crazy.   I am horrible with embarrassment.

The thing I am learning in my quest for a simpler life is nobody notices.  Nobody sees me as fatter than other people.  People don't notice my small imperfections.  I have asked.  I have gone to my closest friends and shared my biggest fears and they always say laugh and say they never noticed.  People tend to view your best qualities and not the horrible ones we notice.

My daughter has helped me the most with this.

 A while ago we were out with friends and there was a baby pool.  So I got into my swimsuit and played with my daughter in the pool.

I was horrified inside but you know, nobody screamed in shock.  Nobody thought anything except how great it was Callie loved the pool.

Lately my daughter has cried during her bath.  So I had a choice.  Let my body image issues take over or help her past her fear.  At first I was almost paralyzed with the fear to shower with her.  She doesn't think oh man look at mama's belly.  She is just grateful for a stress free shower.  And finally I don't even think about the shower now.  It is a time she enjoys.  She is moving past her fear because I moved past mine.  Now we giggle and dance and get clean together.

In this same regard.  I struggle with being goofy with my daughter.  She is a kid and doesn't care and loves when you just let lose and dance like nobody is watching.  And I do on occasion but look around everywhere to ensure nobody is watching.  My husband dances like a crazy person just because she laughs.

My daughter does not need to know what embarrassment is.  And the best teacher for just being you is in fact me.  I am faking it until I make it but I am doing it.  I am dancing like nobody is watching and walking with my head held high and know my assets are what people see.

Useless emotions

Monday Mornings!

Oh how I love Monday mornings.  All weekend I have run around trying to devote enough time and energy to my daughter.  Enough so I don't feel the dreaded Mama guilt.  On top of this try to do something relaxing and of course get done my laundry list of to dos.  

Mondays I might look like this:

But on the inside I look like this:

While I laughed when I saw the video it is definitely how I feel inside.  Crazy, emotional, overwhelmed.  

But we must walk into work happy, rested ready to start our day.  

My weekend consisted of this:

A beautiful bedroom for my daughter.  Meticulously thought out and executed.  All to show her my love. To squash a little of my self imposed guilt.  I am a smart woman.   I know my daughter knows I love her more than anything but sometimes I let the Mama guilt and anxiety get the best of me and I make myself crazy to show my complete love to her.  

And does she know?  No, she cried. New room, new space and she was scared.  I know she will get used to it and as she gets older she will love and appreciate the room as much as I want her too but now she is just a scared little baby who is in a strange new room.  

So we all lose focus.  We forget the important things.  Lucky for me I have an extra day off this week to spend time with her and show her what is really important.  Helping her learn to dance standing up!! You see an amazing thing did happen.  She was trying to get my attention off the silly room and she WALKED!!! 

My little girl taught me a hard lesson.  The room doesn't matter but her achievements mean the world!  

Say Love

I have flaws.  I am far from perfect.  I don't think anyone is perfect but we all strive to be the best people we can.  This is done by understanding our flaws and working on them.  One of my flaws is not realizing how my tongue affects people.

I have a good heart.  I mean well and I love people.  Even with this I am quick to say things without thought for how people might take it.  You know with me, what I say is truly how I feel but is it always necessary to say what I am thinking?  And do people understand there is no malice behind those words?

Today a friend posted a song and it really got me thinking.  Say Love

I am the first to encourage you if I feel you deserve it but shouldn't I encourage those who don't deserve it so they soon deserve it.  Maybe this person was talked down to and doesn't have any self esteem and needs someone to tell them they are worthy.  We have all be there. Moments of our life where we look unworthy because we feel unworthy.  But are we?  No.  Nobody is undeserving and maybe a kind word would be magical to someone and turn their life around in ways we never imagined.  

I have a neighbor.  He is a nice guy but when we first got our dog he had a hard time with her.  He called the authorities on us because she seemed mean.  She is not, she is sweet and was an abused dog.  He was scared.  And my words ruined any chance he had at learning this.  I was quick to defend my dog and throw away how he felt.  Flash forward...

Friday night we had a horrible rain storm.  We lost power.  This man saw beyond my objection to his behavior about my dog that I am a good person with a one year old baby.  This man walked over with a power cord to his generator so we didn't lose any food from our fridge.  So now I will think better of my thoughts and put my dog in when he wants to come outside.  

I have had many people in my life encourage me when I really needed a lift.  Where would I be without them?  Probably someone people felt was undeserving.  

What does it take to encourage someone?  Nothing really.  A simple smile or saying I believe in you.  This could change anyone. Help them realize they are not a failure and strive for something better.  In my journey back to the basics I want to remember everyone is fighting their own battle.  And it is our responsibility to help them fight their battle even if only in a simple way.

Life Authentic and Free

Almost 2 decades ago a great friend of mine handed me a book.  It changed my life.  

I have read this book so many times during so many aspects of my life.  It has taught me so many lessons.  The idea of the book is about a woman who is faced with the pain of a break up but really it is about so many things we all deal with.  This book came to mind when I started thinking about my new journey. 

Basically, God comes down and teaches a woman a new way of living.  Simple basic principles we all need to live by in order to live freely and authentically.  These lessons are my goal for the year.  I am striving to learn them and live them.  In part to help my similar life and in part to heal my heart.

Do not build walls, for they are dangerous.  Learn to transcend them. 

So many people build walls.  I am horrible with this.  Absolutely horrible!  You do wrong by me and I cut you out.  And then I build up walls to prevent that same type of person coming into it.  It is horrible because at the root of this you are hurting only yourself.  I am working on this but it is so painful.  I have an extremely difficult time forgiving people.  Or I will let you in but keep a huge wall in between us so I won’t get hurt again.

One of my walls is everything is personal.  Meaning everything which happens is ultimately because I am a bad person.  So I have been trying this year to squash this.  I will react as I always have and then come back at a later point and say ok let me tell you the story I told  myself in that moment.  Is that what you meant?  And you know what.  It never is.  I am never the reason someone is reacting. They are telling themselves their own story and reacting off of their own story.  This brings us to rule 2.

Live in the moment, for each one is precious and not to be squandered.

I live in the future, I live in the past.  So much over this year I have focused on living in the now.  This is super difficult but my daughter is the first to knock me into the present.  She gives you this look like hello; I am the only thing which matters and playing with this ball right now.  And she is right.  As hard as it is to have a mirror all day everyday she is at least the cutest little mirror ever made. 

Take care of yourself, first and foremost! 

I am a peacekeeper.  Meaning I generally push myself to the bottom of everything to ensure everyone else is happy.  But this year I have begun to find my voice.  I have begun to put my needs first.  This has been ugly let me assure you.  I have a mother in law I barely speak with, a husband who is learning hard lessons, and friends who completely don’t understand me.  But I feel good for the first time in years.  Although this is really rule number 3 this has been my main focus this year. 

Drop the ego.  Be real.  And watch what happens.

This rule I think I do.  (For the most part, if I feel really comfortable with you and know you are real.)  I am real.  I never beat around the bush when I talk to people.  I am very authentic.  I hate political correctness.  Just tell me straight up what you are thinking.  I just want to hear it.  It might be painful to hear but the truth is never hurtful.  People who are fully of the ego don’t know how to deal with people who are real.  I have seen my friendships grow by being super real with people.  Also I see people shy away when I am super real because they are not ready for it.

All things are possible all of the time.

I am a huge believer in this.  You just have to be willing to work for what you truly want.  The trick is knowing what you truly want.  Some people think the really know what they want and then they get it and not enough thought was given to what they really wanted so they are miserable.  So definitely be careful what you wish for.  I am fortunate enough to be a person whose dreams all came true and am learning to dream bigger.

Maintain Universal Flow.  When someone gives, it is an act of generosity to receive.   For in the giving, there is something gained. 

I am a huge giver.  Anyone who knows me knows this.  I think it is definitely better to give.  But I am a horrible receiver.  I think it is too much and I am unworthy of it.  So I need to remember this to keep my balance as well. 

The light of my life...

Please meet the light of my life. 

This little girl changed my life forever.

For those who don’t know me or my little story.  When I was in my early twenties I was told I would never have a baby.  I was told to move on with my life and figure out a different path.  So I worked and I worked and worked myself ragged.  I couldn't even keep the most casual relationship going and I had lots of material things but my life was work. One day I woke up and realized I was not happy.  So I picked up and moved across country to finish my degree and find the things which mattered to me. 

So I got an entry level job and went to school full time.  And on I went for about a year.  I wasn't finding it so I was going to move back to Florida.  And then... I met husband and so the story goes.  He was willing to love me in spite of me and he was willing to fight for what I really wanted.  Soon after we got married we refused to accept the nos I had been told time and time again and went to a bunch of doctors and found one who finally said no problem you will have your baby.  So surgery and a thousand doctors appointments later, here I am a mother of a perfect 1 year old.

What does that mean?  I am a working Mom struggling to make ends meet while doing my best to raise my daughter the best I can.  I tried keeping my regular job but the drive was killing me.  I never saw my daughter I woke up at 4am.  So I took a lower job in order to work closer to home.   I work a little later in the morning so I am the one who gets her up every morning and feeds her breakfast.  I am home every night to have dinner with my family and give her a bath and read her bedtime stories and put her to bed.  

I compensate for my time away from her by trying to be my best for her.   So I pumped and pumped until I could pump no more and I have made every bite of food she has ever eaten. 

I made sacrifices.  I don't get mani/pedis, I don't get my hair done, I tell my friends no;  ALL THE TIME.  If you don’t come to me after she goes to sleep the answer is no.  Twice in the entire year I have not put my daughter to bed.  Those were both very painful days for me.  I hate every minute away from her.  Wonderful Mama Guilt.  I  never realized it would be like this.  And I watch her become pieces of me, the neighbor, her Grandma and my husband.  I watch her have days where I am not what she wants but Dada who doesn't leave as much as I do. 

Here I am a working Mom trying to do it all when finally I realized I don’t want it all.  Because having it all means I have to decide between being seen as a mom or a career woman.  Having it all means sacrificing my daughter just a little.  So what do you do? 

One day I was  talking to a great friend who is in the same predicament.  She was finding her zen.  And it got me thinking?  What is my Zen?  So I am trying to figure it out.  But I know that I don't want to have it all but instead have what really matters to me.  

My plan?  Back to the basics.  Moving out of the city moving to a cheaper place, growing my own food and raising my own animals.  My Zen looks like this to me...