The light of my life...

Please meet the light of my life. 

This little girl changed my life forever.

For those who don’t know me or my little story.  When I was in my early twenties I was told I would never have a baby.  I was told to move on with my life and figure out a different path.  So I worked and I worked and worked myself ragged.  I couldn't even keep the most casual relationship going and I had lots of material things but my life was work. One day I woke up and realized I was not happy.  So I picked up and moved across country to finish my degree and find the things which mattered to me. 

So I got an entry level job and went to school full time.  And on I went for about a year.  I wasn't finding it so I was going to move back to Florida.  And then... I met husband and so the story goes.  He was willing to love me in spite of me and he was willing to fight for what I really wanted.  Soon after we got married we refused to accept the nos I had been told time and time again and went to a bunch of doctors and found one who finally said no problem you will have your baby.  So surgery and a thousand doctors appointments later, here I am a mother of a perfect 1 year old.

What does that mean?  I am a working Mom struggling to make ends meet while doing my best to raise my daughter the best I can.  I tried keeping my regular job but the drive was killing me.  I never saw my daughter I woke up at 4am.  So I took a lower job in order to work closer to home.   I work a little later in the morning so I am the one who gets her up every morning and feeds her breakfast.  I am home every night to have dinner with my family and give her a bath and read her bedtime stories and put her to bed.  

I compensate for my time away from her by trying to be my best for her.   So I pumped and pumped until I could pump no more and I have made every bite of food she has ever eaten. 

I made sacrifices.  I don't get mani/pedis, I don't get my hair done, I tell my friends no;  ALL THE TIME.  If you don’t come to me after she goes to sleep the answer is no.  Twice in the entire year I have not put my daughter to bed.  Those were both very painful days for me.  I hate every minute away from her.  Wonderful Mama Guilt.  I  never realized it would be like this.  And I watch her become pieces of me, the neighbor, her Grandma and my husband.  I watch her have days where I am not what she wants but Dada who doesn't leave as much as I do. 

Here I am a working Mom trying to do it all when finally I realized I don’t want it all.  Because having it all means I have to decide between being seen as a mom or a career woman.  Having it all means sacrificing my daughter just a little.  So what do you do? 

One day I was  talking to a great friend who is in the same predicament.  She was finding her zen.  And it got me thinking?  What is my Zen?  So I am trying to figure it out.  But I know that I don't want to have it all but instead have what really matters to me.  

My plan?  Back to the basics.  Moving out of the city moving to a cheaper place, growing my own food and raising my own animals.  My Zen looks like this to me...