I have learned...

Have you ever tried to change you life?  Not easy is it?  

This year I have attempted to become more intentional with my life.  I have not been perfect.   I have learned many things in my quest to be intentional.  

I have learned it is better to own and admit my fears than to let the strangle me. 

I have learned to hold my tongue when there is not benefit.  

I have learned not to apologize when I was wronged. 

I have learned to speak in my truth.

I have learned to ask for assistance.

I have learned to admit ignorance.  

I have learned to dedicate periods of time strictly to my daughter.

I have learned to laugh and play with my daughter. 

I have learned to say no.

I have learned to say yes.

I have learned I am enough.

These may not seem much to you but to me they have been difficult.  Making my time intentional has given me motivation to look at the pieces of my life I was wasting energy.  It has opened my eyes to the possibilities which exist.  I than given more time and energy to do the things I want to do.

Be Careful what you wish for...

I try really hard to be a great mom.  To think of my daughter first and think of her future growth and possibilities.  This being said I work full time and my husband is home with her during the day.  So I face many obstacles in my track to be a great mom.  I have horrible Mommy guilt from being away so long. I am insanely anal so I tend to get upset quickly when things don't work out the way I want.  I have learned, especially in the last 18 months, there is beauty in the messiness of life.  

I am on a quest to potty train my now 18 month.  I want her out of diapers. She shows all the signs.  She indicates when she is peeing, she poops regularly.  She doesn't talk much but she does learn signing quickly.  I have set the date this is to begin so I have been reading.  And everyone said incorporate videos into her daily routine.  Videos which focus on Potty training.  So I did just this yesterday .  

Enter ELMO!!! We LOVE Elmo.

 

Now my date isn't for a couple weeks and I know I am pushing it with her.  But she has hated diapers for quite some time so I figured I should start.  Some how I don't think I communicated well with my little munchkin.  Because....

 She Woke up Naked.  No diaper, no pajamas.  Apparently she got she is a big girl and diapers are for babies.  

And Since She sleeps with ELMO

 lets just say Take that ELMO!!

 And so my day progressed to finding this in her play room.  Never done to not capture the moment I took her to the potty and sat with her.  And sat.  Then she got up and ran into the play room and peed all over the floor.

That is when I realized I should have talked to her about it.  So I sat her down and said we will be peeing on a potty on in your diaper.  When you are ready to pee on the potty you tell Mama but the diaper stays on until then.  And thankful this was the last time I had to mop up my floor for the day.

There is still time for potty training and we will get there hopefully this is the start of a good potty training and not a pee fest all over my home.

So I have gone back to what I do know.  Making her yummy healthy food.  And teaching her signs and animals and their sounds.  My dreams are not dashed but I have learned to be very careful what I wish for.

We have instincts???????

My first couple weeks of being intentional have been amazing.  I have been able to hone in better on the needs of my family and get this myself. 


I have had time to actually read a book.  Crazy right?




The book was about attachment parenting.  I read it because I like the author and not really for the attachment parenting aspects of it.  Some of it fascinated me, some of it I knew and practice and some of it I thought good for you but not really for me.  

Her attitude is what amazed me.  Her honesty about her choices and the true affects of them are what brought me to her and keep me coming back.  But her non-judgmental attitude really intrigued me especially as I read the book.  

She nailed on the head what I am trying to do for myself "Truly getting back to the basics is valuing the choices you have made, reaping the benefits of those choices so  you can be present with you kids, loving with your spouse and content with your life. "  

My problem has always been choices.  I thought everyone else knew better.  And there was definitely no exception to parenting. When I was pregnant I read book after book about parenting the proper way.  Sleep habits, eating, breastfeeding, what is going to happen when.  So many things.  I listened to my seasoned friends for their tricks and tips.  I always thought the "experts" were right.  You know what? Mayim hit this square on also "What is right for one family is not what is right for another."  

She explained she did what felt right for her and for her family.  How she learned to followed her instincts.    

I struggled with this a lot especially when I first had my little munchkin.  I followed what the experts said and there I was first night home with a screaming baby.  I mean a SCREAMING BABY!! 

That next morning I said to myself she needs to eat.  You see, I had read so much on breastfeeding I thought it was going to be so simple.  But here I was with a screaming kid.  So I pumped and feed her a bottle and she gobbled it up.  When I brought her to the doctor that afternoon she said she had lost a whole pound since she was born and she was on the verge of being hospitalized because of her jaundice.   I told the doctor what the many lactation consults had told me how she was fine just try it and it will be okay.  And she said what do you think?  I had a hard time thinking what I thought. But I knew.

I told her my baby was delivered early by planned C-Section.  I think what should come natural won't because she didn't choose when she was ready. 

She said you know best what is right for her.  So put aside what you were told and do what you know is right.  You see  as Mayim said our instincts have been buried and smothered.  We have been dismissed, mocked, ridiculed and slandered.

So I went home and pumped every 2 hours and put a bottle in my daughters mouth despite my worry about "nipple confusion".  I continued to do this for the week against everything I had read and everything I was told.  I attempted to nurse, I gave her a bottle and then I pumped every 2 hours.  And you know what?  

My daughter thrived.  She gained back her pound in less than a week.  She started sleeping for 5 hour stretches and didn't wake up other than to eat during the night.   She was the happy baby I had instinctively knew I would have.   And she did nurse right after her actual due date.  

It didn't stop there.  I was told things by people about how to get her to sleep longer, how to handle being social, what to feed her, when to feed her.  I wasn't prepared for the overwhelming advice people had for me.  I tend to internalize things and I always thought people knew more than me.  

So, one day I just started telling people thanks but I am just figuring out on my own what works best for me and my family.  It has been hard because my parenting style isn't how others felt or honestly how I felt before I was blessed with this little girl.  I have made people angry.  I have lost friends along the way but you know what?  I have made incredible friends by just being honest about how I was feeling and what my choices were.  In fact I have made best friends with my daughter and my husband.  And they need me more than others now. 

I have learned you don't have to be right, you simply need to be the best you can be. And Most importantly I know what is right for me and my life. 

Intentional

So there went 2013....

As I looked back upon this year I realized I coasted through the year just trying to survive.  So much happened.  Some good, some bad.  None of it was intentional.  None of it served much purpose other than survival.  

If I had one word for 2013 it would be survival.

As I look into 2014 I see promise and hope.  I see a world of possibilities.  2014 is my year to

So what does that mean? 

Webster says..

2014 was already deemed by me the year of me.  So living intentionally is a perfect word. I like to define intentional more like this...

So 2014 starts off with a bang. A 27 day challenge to allow me a little time to focus on what matters and figure out ways to live intentionally.  

Joining a gym just for me.  Making my time matter.  No more Facebook at work or on my phone.  If I Facebook it will not be because of boredom or habit it will be to see what is new and move on.  No more silly games to pass the time.  

I will do things I mean to do and only focus on this solely.  

My favorite morning activity?

Breakfast with my munchie...

This morning was my first intentional breakfast with her.  She sat in her big girl chair and drank with her big girl cup.  We mooed and nananed and dadaed and laughed.  It was the most precious way to start our day.  No more making breakfast while she has fruit and packing lunches while she and I eat.  Simple intentional breakfast.  

Let the intention begin.

Reconciling Thoughts

When I was a child I was raised in a church.  This church, like all churches, had beliefs about many things, including what happens when we die.  As an adult I can tell you with full belief,  WE HAVE NO IDEA.  Yes we can have faith we will be reunited with our loved ones. I am sure many people are probably okay with the end being the end. 

This is something I worried about as a kid.  You see I was raised to believe if we lived our lives right and did the right thing we would be together forever.  We sang about it as kids.  We were preached it every Sunday. You do the right thing, you have a good life, you die and wait for your family in heaven, a paradise. 

Then I was 16 and my parents got divorced.  

My mother, when I was 18, went to far as to decide she didn't want to be part of the church I was raised in and wanted nothing to do with my father.  She severed her ties to our family.  I am sure in her mind it wasn't a big deal because she no longer believed what she was taught in this church.  For us as children, who were raised to believe we needed this tie to stay as a family it caused a huge rift.  Who did we belong to?  Did this mean I wouldn't know my siblings or my father?  I had done nothing wrong.  Try as I might I couldn't get an answer.  Unanswered questions lead to more questions, which leads to research and then more questions.  

I let it go.  I figured if my parents were my parents I am sure there was a loop hole for kids whose parents didn't get it.  And I moved on my life away from the religion I was raised in.  

Fast forward a lifetime.  A new religion, a new baptism, husband,  a new religion with new beliefs and new rules.  What is bound here is bound in heaven.  And fast forward to a beautiful baby, the family I always wanted.

Then the old church start showing up.  Super nice people wanting to help.  Wanting to make sure we were good.  They are great people and the religion is a great religion just not the one I baptized into for my husband and marriage. 

Let us just say "My Big Fat Greek Wedding".  I mean I had moved on from the old religion right?

That is when I started panicking.  I had not idea why. 

Then one day it came to me...

What if I choose wrong?  

What if converting was a huge mistake?

What if that first religion was right?  

What if I will never see this baby again?  

What if the family I built and work to keep together is just for now?

What if I spend the rest of eternity alone?  

Never knowing the people who mean so much to me.  

How do we reconcile things we were taught as a child with the things we believe as an adult?  

I mean as an adult I truly do believe we don't know much about what happens after this life.  That religion is religion and just because we got baptized and attend church it doesn't guarantee us to be good people.  That God understands what is in our hearts.  He understands who were are and if we are good people he will ensure our eternity is amazing.  So how do I get this nagging child out of my head?

Just another day in Paradise...

I am not going to lie and tell you I have been busy.  I have been really, really focused on the horrible part of live. The, I will never get to go to Tennessee.  The dare I say, God must hate me. The how can I have to have three surgeries this year.  The how can I max my insurance out for the third year.  How can I have everything I ever wanted and still not be floating with happiness every day?

I mean for so long I lived in fear.  I could get pregnant against all odds but that meant a constant fear the baby wouldn't stick.  So doctors appointments every week for 20 weeks.  Then I was old so genetic testing and oh yes you are a carrier for this and now your husband must be tested.  Then we have to make the equation equal perfectly your body isn't ready to deliver but the baby is mature enough.  This involved and amniocentesis at 36 weeks.  Then going back to work for 1 more week because her lungs weren't ready.  Then we have to take her now because if not there was a huge chance you both could die.  A then I have this beautiful baby.  Who cried so loud the doctor didn't even check her lungs.  

And now I get paradise right?  Oh no Breast feeding, let me say it sucked.  It didn't come naturally.  My baby lost a whole pound.  She got the dreaded failure to thrive diagnosis.  And Jaundice.  I got sent home with strict orders to feed her every 2 hours regardless if it was breast milk or formula or we were back in the hospital.  So for 3 weeks I pumped every 2 hours to produce enough milk until she figured it all out.  And then the murmur and the doctors and the tests, and the mismatching leg creases (you know the fat rolls we fight as adults) and more tests and doctors and oh yeah that spot on her eye might mean she can go blind so yes yes you guessed it more doctors and more tests.  And oh yes the follow up.  We are doing follow up now.  So now do I get to just relax and be happy?  

Don't get me wrong.  I know where life is concerned I have easy problems.  My neighbor would call them first world problems.  And yes they are but you know what?  They all give me anxiety.  They all make me crazy.  

I can remember the day I woke up from my baby coma and realized (mind you she was 10 months old) we were alive and well.  She was healthy and I was healthy and we were a little family.  The rest was just noise.  Noise clouding my brain.  

Then last week something happened.  I was busy being super mom.  Oh yes me I was being super mom.  You know it wasn't enough we went to the city by train on Saturday to have some fun time in a new environment but Sunday I was going to make tomato sauce from my neighbors tomatoes.  Just so they don't go bad while they are on vacation.  

So I was making tomato sauce and my baby was singing to Pandora.  If anyone doesn't know what that looks like let me show you....

Ok really she was eating dog food and putting it in the dogs water.  This super Mom sure picked her battle.  Ok so I was listening to Pandora and I heard this song. Now it isn't anything new but it hit.  Just another day in Paradise.  You what it did?  It gave me perspective.  It isn't about life being perfect or happy every moment but instead knowing you wouldn't trade it for anything.  I would have endured much more to have my beautiful dog food eater.  

And obviously God wasn't done.  Friday I was staying in line at the coffee shop and The cute latte lady was playing an oldie but a goodie.  You know my husband and I have had some rough times we have fought and struggles to be together.  But there is nobody else I would rather have beside me through all of this.  

So my paradise isn't pretty it looks a lot like this....

But it is my paradise.  It is my remarkable happiness once the noise calms.  

Procrastination vs Action

This was a hard week for me in so many ways.

• I have been interviewing for a new position and one interview seems to lead to just another interview.  
• I meet with my Realtor only to be slapped with the reality we owe $50,000 more than our house is worth.  Not to mention the $50,000 we spend on down payment and renovation to the house.  
• My husband and I met with a surgeon to schedule gallbladder surgeries just you saw right both of us. My gallbladder is calcifying which leads to porcelain gallbladder which is linked to gallbladder cancer which you don't survive.  Fun time.    Did I mention we ended up going on 4th wedding anniversary. 

I was left exhausted and overwhelmed.  So Saturday I struggled.  Callie was fussy, I was crabby, Mike was working.  I put Callie down for her nap and I laid down and cried.  Cried my little eyes out.  Realizing I was not going to take a nap I got up and went to read my favorite blog.  Flaws Forgiven I will admit this is a good friend but her blogs always make me think.  This week was no exception.  While reading my poor husband came home and asked the dreaded "What is wrong?". The tears started again.  I went on and on about how overwhelmed I was and how I can't catch a break and maybe I am depressed and should go on medication and I can't do it and and and.... 

And so I said I need a few minutes alone. I just want to finish the blog my one me time.  So he went to nap. And so I read.  In her blog she listed a number of things she does to wind down and destress.  This got me thinking.  I wonder if those things would work for me. 

And So I turned on Pandora and scrubbed my kitchen floor and the living room and the play room.  I changed my shower curtain liner.  I washed the bathroom rugs and Callie's bath mat.  I ripped out the high chair and scrubbed it clean. And then I realized there were no more tears.  

Callie woke up and We went for a leisurely stroll around the neighborhood.  Her and I giggled. We went to the park and chased the dog.  We came home and danced.   We read a few books, we played.  Since it was my anniversary weekend I got ready for dinner and Mike and I went and ran some errands and laughed and we went to dinner and we had the most incredible conversation.  One the way home he asked me why my mood had changed and I thought and I realized. I was incredibly stressed because I had a 1000 line to do list of stupid little things I just didn't want to do.  But by just forgetting what I thought and doing them a huge load was lifted.  

Sunday I woke up early.  Turned on the music, and decided it was Munchkin day.  So we had breakfast, and played and read a few books, we went on a walk and we danced and I made French Toast for lunch.  She went down for her nap and I went through all the receipts and finished the business accounting, I paid all my bills, and I took out the trash.  I came in and saw a piece of crumbled up paper on the floor and I reached for it and well it moved.  

Meet my friend Fievel.  

And you know what?  I laughed.  Yesterday morning I would have cried but today I laughed I captured him I lectured him as I took him to the back of the yard and I set him free.  And then I scrubbed the entire house again.

Live happens.  Sometimes it Sucks and Sometimes it is wonderful.  For me Procrastination make the sucky times so much worse because it weighs me down. By simply taking the few minutes to get the silly little tasks done,  I don't have the added weight on my shoulder and I can enjoy my life.

Plus it leaves time to laugh and dance and play.